Swallowing Your Pride
In most divorces one of the parents is going to be hurt or both of them at the same time. Divorce is not a pretty picture when a family will split up and won’t be living under the same roof anymore, and this can cause a lot of stress and depression. The question we have heard is, does it really have to be that hard? And who do we decide who will get hurt the most.
Most divorces will end up with the father leaving the home and moving to an apartment or another house, and it is in a word starting over. We have to buy new furniture, new dishes and other necessities that is apart of life, and we have to make sure that when the time comes when the children come for their visit that everything is in place and that there is food in the house, but the tension alone can be the thing that destroys the comfortable environment, which leads to questions, and bad mouthing of the other parent in question. Is it then so hard to really think about what is really going on in your life, coming home to an empty home, knowing that your family is somewhere else and you cannot be there, and all the hurt and pain and anger seems to dwindle up inside of you, and over time you forget the person you once were and start to become someone different, and how you perceive yourself reflects on your ability to act as a good parent.
For most men whom I have talked to, sometimes there is a real sense of anger towards the wife, mainly because they are either upset with how things ended, or the fact that the wife is making their life total hell. And this is where a good father should really take notice of their actions when the children are around. During visitation, when it is you and the kids your time should always be spent talking to them and making them feel comfortable, and mom should never be the subject of any conversation unless the children bring up a subject, and even then you should never say anything towards mom at all, and you should build her up in their eyes, unless there is an issue that needs attention. You should never say anything against mom in anyway and mom should never say anything against dad either, this really can affect the children more then what you think.
We all know that every divorce is different and it can really be difficult to get along when you or your spouse are hurt or even angry, but you have to look past those feelings and really look at yourself from your children’s eyes, and how they must feel. That is why I feel that it is important never to argue in front of your children at any time or put the children in-between your disputes, using children as a pawn is the number one no no! that can cause some very bad psychological problems down the road.
Sometimes in life we all have to swallow our pride, and in doing so you can really have a huge impact on your relationship with your children and with your X-spouse. You need to really bite your tong, turn the other cheek and move forward and forget about the past and think about what the future will hold. It isn’t going to be easy, and there are times when you and your X-spouse are going to have your differences, you did that while you were married, so nothing really changes there. The hardest part about swallowing your pride is when the time comes when your spouse might find someone new in their life, and yes you have the right to be concerned and this goes both ways in this relationship.
When bringing someone new into the household where your children are present can really have a lot of impact on the children more then what you also might think, and it is best to move slowly and make very small moves. Our children are very perceptive, and can be very upset when something like this will happen, and this is where the big part of swallowing your pride comes into play. Again you have to put away all your feelings and look towards the future, and first take some time to meet the new person to get to know them just a little and to see what they are all about. What ever you do, do not under no circumstances try to reject the new person, unless you know that this person is going to be trouble for the children, there is a big difference between jealously, and dangerous, so you cannot compare the two. Jealously, is your problem not theirs, and when you think that the children could be in danger, then you have every right to reject this person, but that should be discussed with your spouse one on one. By having this meeting it gives you the opportunity to see the real person, but again you cannot confuse jealously with your true observation, this is your spouse’s choice and not yours, unless you see something out of place.
The next step would be really good for the children, and that is to include your X-spouse in some type of family outing. This builds influence for the children, and if the children see that the new person in their life gets along good with mom or dad, then they will tend to be more comfortable when the new person is around, and lets not forget a lot of smiling and laughing, this too can ease the tension. Once you have done this, then you can move forward.
There is another issue that can be hard at times and when anything that involves the children in anyway it should always be discussed with both of the biological parents first, which doesn’t mean that you cannot include the new member, it just means that if you were to discuss any important issues surrounding your children’s health and academics, which could be very important to your child, then it is good to have all of you discuss this together, but again you need to focus on the children and not your feelings.
Swallowing your pride is one of the hardest things you are ever going to do in your life, and it really can turn into a very healthy relationship with both you and your X-spouse. By working together and setting aside all your differences, can really impact your children’s future, and even then you can really feel good about yourself, and your children will someday respect you for it.