Letting Go Of Christmas Past
It’s almost Christmas, and I find myself sitting here, reflecting on what this magical season truly means to me. In my last blog, I shared memories of my childhood, when Christmas was a time of joy, togetherness, and wonder. But as the years passed, life took unexpected turns, and Christmas began to take on a different meaning.
I think back to the time when I graduated from high school, full of dreams and aspirations. I wanted to become a family man, to experience the joy of parenthood, and to create the perfect Christmas for my own family. However, finding a job that would provide the financial stability needed for such celebrations proved to be a daunting task. Nevertheless, my wife and I were fortunate to have the support of our respective parents, who made sure we didn’t go without a Christmas celebration, even if it meant there were no gifts exchanged between us due to our limited finances.
The year my daughter was born remains etched in my memory. It was supposed to be a special time, filled with happiness and hope. But fate had other plans. Just a few days after her birth, our precious daughter passed away in our arms. The pain and trauma of that loss were overwhelming for both my wife and me. That Christmas was a far cry from the magical celebrations of my childhood; it was a time of profound sadness and grief. Little did I know that this heartbreaking event would alter the course of my life forever, casting a long shadow over the Christmases to come.
Life moves forward, but sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if I could have made different choices, taken different paths. As we grow older, we often reflect on our journey and contemplate the choices we’ve made. It’s said that a traumatic experience can change a person, and I believe that losing our daughter changed me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. It set me on a path of self-destruction, pain, and suffering, which would haunt me for years to come.
Looking back over the years, I realize that I never had the opportunity to spend Christmas with my son or daughter as they grew older. Due to divorces and remarriages, they had other families to visit, cousins to spend time with, and new grandparents to celebrate Christmas with. Countless times throughout my adult life, I found myself spending Christmas alone, grappling with a sense of emptiness and isolation that I couldn’t explain.
I can’t recall the last time I had a real Christmas tree in my home. Although not too long ago, my wife Jody and I had a beautiful Christmas tree adorned with ornaments and lights, I couldn’t bring myself to embrace the holiday spirit. My past experiences had cast a shadow on my ability to find joy during this season. It’s not that I was consciously thinking about the loss of my daughter, but somehow, the happiness that Christmas once held had eluded me.
Now, just a few days before Christmas, I’ve bought presents for my two grandsons. Yet, I can’t help but wonder what Christmas truly means to people these days. This morning, as I was driving to work and skidded off the road into a ditch, I found myself praying fervently to God, asking to be safe and return home. Miraculously, I got out of that predicament unscathed and returned home safely.
As I sit here, I’ve made a decision. I’m determined to make the rest of my life a celebration of Christmas, filled with joy, gratitude, and appreciation. I refuse to dwell on the past, letting it hold me back any longer. I am going to embrace the spirit of Christmas, find happiness in every moment, and cherish all that life has to offer. I have a newfound sense of peace, a closeness to God that gives me hope for the future.
To all my family and friends, I wish you a Merry Christmas. And to my daughter Megan, though you are no longer with us, I love you, and I believe that one day we will be reunited. We’ll have a lot of catching up to do, and I look forward to that moment with hope in my heart.
